I’m Done Adulting
Adulting has become quite the term. Its a favorite of memes. (Here is a Time magazine article on the usage of the word if you are interested.) Adulting is what gets blamed for all the unpleasant things we have to do as part of being a responsible and contributing member of society.
Sometimes I think of my job as a pastor as adulting. I’m the person in the room whose vocational expectations set up that I’m patient, uplifting and not derogatory, prophetic when called for but always in a pro-people way, make space for differentiation, relieve other’s anxiety, nurture healthy systems that don’t triangulate and aren’t passive aggressive, and set aside what I personally would like for what the group discerns is the greater good of our community. I often look at myself and say, “I’m paid to be an adult.” That’s all.
So, why is that so hard?
One of the ways I compromise in my adulting is that I drive my kids around in a car with a built in DVD and let them watch. Every rule I ever made about cars and dvds? I broke them. All of them. For my own good. #adultingfailure So I get it. Sometimes we just want to get through the day.
One of the consequences of those DVD’s is that I listen to a lot of kids shows. I obviously don’t watch them, because #adulting, but I do listen. I got struck recently that the new Strawberry Shortcake TV show’s plot is basically written out of a healthy systems theory text book. Really! Almost every show it turns out that Strawberry Shortcake is just the group’s therapist ready to call out their triangulation and petty behavior. She is so stinkin’ good at adulting.
Then I was listen to Dora the Explorer today. Its really all about community. She overcomes every obstacle that ultra-high pitched and annoying map reminds her she has to overcome… but never alone. She almost always does it through the work of others who want to be a part of her journey and help her succeeded. She is all about the common good and rallying support and winning friends. Even the “bad guy” Swipper is really just a misunderstood bully who needs a friend and turns into a nice guy (aka Pete in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse). (yes I NEED to stop listening.)
My Little Pony? Its all about friendship as magic… and a whole lot more healthy systems plot lines… I could go on for hours and I’m not mocking. They really are good teachings. We could all use to learn some adulting from the average plot of the the average kid’s TV show.
We expect it in our children. And then what? Do we forget it as adults? Do we get tired of it? Did we decided that was nice enough then but now we have earned the right to be… toxic? Arrogant? Rude?
I’m not saying you are those things. I’m not saying we are all doing them all the time. But its amazing just how often we treat each other with very little respect. Just last night I caught myself displaying absolutely zero patience. And three days ago I got upset with my son for filling up the dog’s water bowl (talk about trivial) in way that wasn’t as efficient as I would like… and yet in a way that I have probably done it twenty or thirty times. I turned it into a whole lesson about thinking through unintended consequences… and then had to remind myself to listen up.
I’m not sure what makes us think that adulting is such hard work… except perhaps its that we are all so busy and stressed and “important” that we turn into ticking time-bombs looking for a reason to act like anything other than an adult. And that makes me wonder if what we really need is to stop adulting… and start embracing our inner child. After all years ago there was this teacher who said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven… become humble like this child… welcomes one like this child… welcome me.”
So many of our interactions and systems are dysfunctional. We often think that dysfunctional means it doesn’t work. But that isn’t quite right. What it really means is that it is functioning in pain. The pain has become a part of the very fabric of the system. And when that happens patience is allusive. We become painfully reactive and this creates fear. Fear of all that reactive pain being thrown around, and a world where fear is ubiquitous cannot foster freedom and growth.
So maybe… just maybe. The antidote to our struggles to adult is to stop trying. Stop emulating the pain-wrought system and go back the basics. Back to beginning. Become like children. And build a better dream (thank you Shark Boy and Lava Girl).
**yes I really do have the dialog to all these shows unintentionally burned into my memory, but don’t ask me what they look like because I’m driving. Though while I’m driving I do dance along to the theme of Everybody’s Awesome. Because you are!